medals | !INBOX // EUDIO.

I wouldn't still be here if he didn't, with what I've done. He loves it. I tried to stop and he did everything he could to talk me out of it.

[Told him it was who he was. What he was. It was more dangerous not to keep doing it.]

I think I - I need - [And this is where their problems align so closely. The belief in some sort of monster inside that needs to be fed.] - there's gotta be some kind of violence. Fighting for my life. Trying to take someone else's. I dunno how to function without it. And he - keeps it under control.

Do you like it?

[That's the big distinction. It's one thing if Petre's into it. He can take it. But Cole is - the way he looks now, Jem has to be sure. ] If you do, it doesn't - it doesn't make you weird. It doesn't make you bad.

[This is probably a subject better suited for a google search. Jem's not educated enough on this, just enough to know that it's not the end of the world. She squeezes his hand tight, head tilting. ]

[He offers a weak little smile, still not the amused or happy sort, and squeezes back.]

It feels wrong after. But during - ?

[That's a yes.]

[She leaves his hand be, only to turn and cup his face with both hands instead. Forced eye contact, but her hold is gentle. Her fingers aren't firm at all. If anything, they're just a soothing presence, thumbs brushing over his cheek bones. ]

I'm not gonna lie, I don't get it. But if you both do - if you're both into it, if you've got limits and you talk to each other? You don't - you don't have to feel guilty.

[Jesus, this sure is a conversation. ] You're not a psychopath, Cole. There's nothing wrong with a fantasy. [but. ] You just - do you trust yourself? To stop, if he asked you to?

[Psychopath. Well, that sure is a word he'd nebulously feared coming up in therapy, and now a dead target for all of his issues with himself.]

We're starting. To talk about it. It just kept happening but it went too far, and - we're talking about it. [This time, there is a touch of amusement in his laugh.] He talks like he knows all about this. Something about safe words. Like it's normal, but he can make anything sound normal.

[Does he trust himself? There's the big question.]

I've only snapped when I thought someone was seriously going for my life. [So - it's a kind of answer. They're talking now, and as long as he gives Petre some limits, he should be fine.]

[It's easy to forget sometimes, just how much information Cole hadn't been privy too, back home. How much was lost because of what happened in his world. This is a surreal sort of way to bring it home. ]

Yeah. People use safe words to stop because sometimes 'stop' or 'no' are just part of the fantasy. [She chews the inside of her cheek. ] There's a whole community for this kind of stuff, Cole. People out there who can talk to you about it.

[Even in the arse end of nowhere, with a PC from 1998, Jem knows that. ] If you trust yourself to stop, then it's fine. You need to trust him to make you stop, too. You've got to make him promise; if he's not working with you, it's not gonna work.

That's what he said. [Not a joke in poor taste, but a literal expression that Petre explained it exactly the same way.] It's really - really?

[The past is so weird. There's a whole system in place to pretend that your sex is potentially lethal without it becoming lethal? His mind's been blown; it takes a minute for him to continue.]

Yeah. [He finally just sighs, but he looks more relaxed now.] I've just been counting on him being so - durable? But that's not gonna last forever, and he could come back at me any time. Then I'm the one in trouble.

[After another pause, he squints at her.] You got a hell of a poker face. Do I do that good when you come to me with things?

[She laughs, despite herself. ] This isn't a poker face, this is 'I'm stunned' and 'this is really surreal.'

[She must be totally blanking, she realises. It's almost funny. Her hands come away from his face to rest idly on her lap instead, thumbs twiddling absently. ] But yeah it's really a thing. There was a guy on the network who asked about people's kinks and how to try them safely.

[She's really, really not qualified for this. Really not. Good lord; the kinkiest thing she has ever admitted out loud doesn't even really compare. ] And if he's coming back at you, you have to want it. Otherwise - well. [he's out of Eudio, bub. ]

Well, if you were gonna hear it from anyone, it'd probably be the guy who started murdering to live before his teens and the demon.

[Did she ever wonder what they were like together? Did she think about it at all? He's thought about them, more academically than erotically, wondered how much Petre adjusts for his lovers and how Jem likes it with him. It's all such a blur when it's the three of them.

Back to business, though. He thinks he remembers that person on the network.]

I'll check back for that. Better than trying to find people to ask randomly, and I'm not doing the whole network thing if it's been done.

[She's thought about it, but her imagination has obviously been way off the mark. Maybe she should have known, really, by the way Petre always kisses like he's trying to stake a claim. Like he's always edging Cole on; a silent dare that Jem's never really understood until now. The funny thing is, she's always wanting Petre to be rougher. Maybe just not this rough.

She's come a long enough way that she isn't freaking out, though. Instead her face is carefully neutral, all soft and attentive. She's morbidly curious though, like a kid itching to peek at something they really shouldn't.]

Even if you can't find it, there'll be loads on google. Even the city rep probably has recommendations.

[Did you know that Samantha knows everything?]

I'm not going to the government about my sex life. [He looks incredulous and slightly amused, like she can't be serious.] But I'll check - Google.

[He rests his hands over hers.]

You shouldn't have been the one to hear this. But thanks, Jem.

[How one person can be as sweet as James Cole, Jem will never know. There's a wave of pure fondness that hits her; she can hardly believe he feels bad for telling her. ]

Samantha's nice. But alright.

[She glances down at their hands and then very carefully, turns hers palms up and links their fingers. ] You don't have to feel bad for telling me. You like it a bit rough, so does he. It's nothing you've got to apologise for.

["A bit rough." He could've killed Petre twice, if Petre allowed it. And there's always the chance it could bleed over, he could crave the same thing with someone who can't control the situation. But it's sweet of her to be understanding in the face of this.

He looks down at their hands, and he feels that same warmth. Somehow, every time a new person fills him with warmth, he can't find any way to categorize it. Maybe because that didn't matter where he came from, but he knows the basic rules: there's one person to whom you dedicate your life, or at least your time while you're with them. Even when he and Cassie both know it won't work here, he struggles with people like Pell, and Sheva, and Jem, and even Petre. So many lines blurring.

But it's all to be with Cassie when they're finished here. That's what he has to cling to when he's unsure.

It doesn't really strike him that he's not saying anything. Just - staring at their hands.]

[He doesn't say anything at first and that's fine. But then he keeps saying nothing, eyes downcast at their hands and Jem starts trying to read his facial expression. Cole's not like Petre, who wears how he's feeling all over his face, even when his face is utterly blank. Cole is - either smiling or intense and it's trying to decipher what kind of intense that Jem's only starting to learn how to do.

Given the conversation, this is anywhere between utterly ashamed or relieved. Maybe it's both. She rubs her thumbs over his knuckles and waits and waits, but he still says nothing. So she smiles, very gently; her first smile at all since the start of this conversation. ]

D'you want a cuddle?

[That makes him laugh, and the spell is broken.]

Yeah. I think we can manage it this time, I'm too - fucking tired for anything else.

[He does meet her eyes then, though, because it sounds like he's complaining and it was her suggestion to go to the therapist.]

It might help. I - dunno how to take any of this yet, but I don't think it was a waste of time.

You're going back and that's good. I didn't want to, after the first time.

[She hasn't told anyone that. Not even Kieren. ] I really, really didn't want to. Didn't want to face what I'd done, didn't want someone else telling me I was really sick. But I did, because - I dunno. I wanted Kieren to be proud of me, I think. For not getting worse.

[She thinks he is proud of her, now. God knows why. ] Anyway, I did and it helps me. C'mon, you can put your head on my bosom and everything.

[Rapid change of subject; she's tugging at his hands while she scoots up the bed. She will stroke his hair and everything. ] You can stay the night, if you want. Or just have a sleep for a bit. I can set an alarm.

[There's so much to take in there, but he ends up grinning subtly.]

Put my head on your bosom? [He gets the general picture and does as she's said, resting his head on her chest with an arm wrapped around her. The opposite of his usual position. It feels strange, but apparently it's opposite day and he's getting comfort.]

I can sleep light. It's fine. [He's quiet for a second, then continues:] You remember what I told you about my dad?

[A hand goes to his hair immediately, fingers combing through and her nails scraping gently against his scalp. This relaxes her; she thinks it probably relaxes Petre too. If Cole listens carefully, he can probably hear her heart thumping away. It's a strange role reversal; she likes this, Cole's head on her chest, her fingers in his hair. It feels a little more equal; like she's not just take, take, taking from Cole. ]

- Yeah. I remember.

[He watched hin die twice because of the time travel. ]

[It's all very soothing, almost like a massage without the exertion in the way it makes his body loosen up. Slowly his head starts to get heavier, weigh against her a bit more, and he lets out a soft sigh.]

He died protecting me. Older me, the 34 year old one. These guys were after me, and he took the bullet. Never remembered that until the jump happened for me and I saw it again. [His laugh is soft and almost drowsy.] I still dunno how Jones and Cassie convinced him I'd shown up as a grown man by time travel and needed their help, he was so damn protective after my mom left. Probably pulled a shotgun on them. But they got him there, and he knew me on sight. Died when I was six and he knew me on sight at 34.

[It's odd how calm he sounds about the whole thing. Maybe he's just in a pattern of sharing now, letting it all out.]

I dunno why I wanted to explain. But - he's all the family I ever had, other than Ramse. Guess sometimes I wonder if I've ever made him proud.

[It makes her miss her own dad with a suddem fierceness that it knocks the breath out of her. Her mum, too; the both of them, so utterly normal and a little weird all at once. Nothing like Cole's dad at all. ]

I think he was. Dad's - the good ones, I mean - they're always proud, I think. I mean look at you, trying to save the world. Course he was proud of you.

[She tucks his hair behind an ear, glancing down at the top of his head. It's a good thing he's not looking up; the look on her face is so openly tender, almost adoring. It borders sad too; Cole deserves a happy ending, not the myriad of tragedies that he's lived through.] Bet he would've been proud if you weren't too.

Edited 2015-10-02 14:52 (UTC)

He was a simple guy. He'd probably be more proud of me working on cars here.

[But no, he has to rethink that. "Simple" isn't right.]

Not dumb. He managed to get what was going on in a crazy situation and come through no matter how crazy it sounded. And he'd - he'd face the tough stuff, he didn't hide. But I think he wanted things to be simple. Especially for me.

Kinda wish things could be simple, too.

[But that's a whole heavier conversation that will almost certainly shatter this comfy mood. And more importantly, this isn't about her. It's about Cole, who needs a bit of comfort for once. Who needs a little bit of reassurance. ]

For you, too. [She's not really hesitant to admit that. If anyone deserves a bit of peace, it's Cole.] D'you remember much about him? From when you were little?

He worked on cars. [That's the first thing, the sharpest memory.] For a living, he was a mechanic. His hands were always dirty. I had oil stains all over my t-shirts, but he'd get new ones when he could.

He was - serious. Didn't talk much. Didn't smile much at all. Mom leaving hit him hard, I can see it now, and I don't think he knew what to do with me. But he took good care of me. Having him was enough.

[He feels anger when he thinks of it, spreading out in all directions, making hin tense up again. Anger at the Army of the 12 Monkeys. Anger at Aaron for giving them up. Anger at himself for putting his father in danger to save his own skin.]

He's all I had.

[Her fingers still, just for a moment, behind his ear, finger tips tracing soothingly down an earlobe. She listens to every detail because they're important to him. They're fragments at best, not even a whole picture, but it's all he's got an Jem would cry for him if she knew every other detail. But she's quiet, leaning in to press a kiss against his hair and then her fingers are moving again, twirling strands and combing through. ]

He sounds good.

[Like he loved Cole a lot and Jem's devestated for him, that he lost him.] What was his name?

Matthew.

[He learned that later, in the news reports - to a six year old child with no mother to use the name, dad is just dad.]

Matthew Cole.

[Another sigh, soft and content at those light touches, and he shifts gears a bit.]

Thing is, I met Ramse the day I went into foster care. Soon as Jones and Cassie left. He came right up to me and never left my side again. And then when I couldn't take him to the past, I had Cassie. A lotta people here don't get that about me - they think I'm lonely, but I was never alone. Not once.

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