medals | !INBOX // EUDIO.

[How one person can be as sweet as James Cole, Jem will never know. There's a wave of pure fondness that hits her; she can hardly believe he feels bad for telling her. ]

Samantha's nice. But alright.

[She glances down at their hands and then very carefully, turns hers palms up and links their fingers. ] You don't have to feel bad for telling me. You like it a bit rough, so does he. It's nothing you've got to apologise for.

["A bit rough." He could've killed Petre twice, if Petre allowed it. And there's always the chance it could bleed over, he could crave the same thing with someone who can't control the situation. But it's sweet of her to be understanding in the face of this.

He looks down at their hands, and he feels that same warmth. Somehow, every time a new person fills him with warmth, he can't find any way to categorize it. Maybe because that didn't matter where he came from, but he knows the basic rules: there's one person to whom you dedicate your life, or at least your time while you're with them. Even when he and Cassie both know it won't work here, he struggles with people like Pell, and Sheva, and Jem, and even Petre. So many lines blurring.

But it's all to be with Cassie when they're finished here. That's what he has to cling to when he's unsure.

It doesn't really strike him that he's not saying anything. Just - staring at their hands.]

[He doesn't say anything at first and that's fine. But then he keeps saying nothing, eyes downcast at their hands and Jem starts trying to read his facial expression. Cole's not like Petre, who wears how he's feeling all over his face, even when his face is utterly blank. Cole is - either smiling or intense and it's trying to decipher what kind of intense that Jem's only starting to learn how to do.

Given the conversation, this is anywhere between utterly ashamed or relieved. Maybe it's both. She rubs her thumbs over his knuckles and waits and waits, but he still says nothing. So she smiles, very gently; her first smile at all since the start of this conversation. ]

D'you want a cuddle?

[That makes him laugh, and the spell is broken.]

Yeah. I think we can manage it this time, I'm too - fucking tired for anything else.

[He does meet her eyes then, though, because it sounds like he's complaining and it was her suggestion to go to the therapist.]

It might help. I - dunno how to take any of this yet, but I don't think it was a waste of time.

You're going back and that's good. I didn't want to, after the first time.

[She hasn't told anyone that. Not even Kieren. ] I really, really didn't want to. Didn't want to face what I'd done, didn't want someone else telling me I was really sick. But I did, because - I dunno. I wanted Kieren to be proud of me, I think. For not getting worse.

[She thinks he is proud of her, now. God knows why. ] Anyway, I did and it helps me. C'mon, you can put your head on my bosom and everything.

[Rapid change of subject; she's tugging at his hands while she scoots up the bed. She will stroke his hair and everything. ] You can stay the night, if you want. Or just have a sleep for a bit. I can set an alarm.

[There's so much to take in there, but he ends up grinning subtly.]

Put my head on your bosom? [He gets the general picture and does as she's said, resting his head on her chest with an arm wrapped around her. The opposite of his usual position. It feels strange, but apparently it's opposite day and he's getting comfort.]

I can sleep light. It's fine. [He's quiet for a second, then continues:] You remember what I told you about my dad?

[A hand goes to his hair immediately, fingers combing through and her nails scraping gently against his scalp. This relaxes her; she thinks it probably relaxes Petre too. If Cole listens carefully, he can probably hear her heart thumping away. It's a strange role reversal; she likes this, Cole's head on her chest, her fingers in his hair. It feels a little more equal; like she's not just take, take, taking from Cole. ]

- Yeah. I remember.

[He watched hin die twice because of the time travel. ]

[It's all very soothing, almost like a massage without the exertion in the way it makes his body loosen up. Slowly his head starts to get heavier, weigh against her a bit more, and he lets out a soft sigh.]

He died protecting me. Older me, the 34 year old one. These guys were after me, and he took the bullet. Never remembered that until the jump happened for me and I saw it again. [His laugh is soft and almost drowsy.] I still dunno how Jones and Cassie convinced him I'd shown up as a grown man by time travel and needed their help, he was so damn protective after my mom left. Probably pulled a shotgun on them. But they got him there, and he knew me on sight. Died when I was six and he knew me on sight at 34.

[It's odd how calm he sounds about the whole thing. Maybe he's just in a pattern of sharing now, letting it all out.]

I dunno why I wanted to explain. But - he's all the family I ever had, other than Ramse. Guess sometimes I wonder if I've ever made him proud.

[It makes her miss her own dad with a suddem fierceness that it knocks the breath out of her. Her mum, too; the both of them, so utterly normal and a little weird all at once. Nothing like Cole's dad at all. ]

I think he was. Dad's - the good ones, I mean - they're always proud, I think. I mean look at you, trying to save the world. Course he was proud of you.

[She tucks his hair behind an ear, glancing down at the top of his head. It's a good thing he's not looking up; the look on her face is so openly tender, almost adoring. It borders sad too; Cole deserves a happy ending, not the myriad of tragedies that he's lived through.] Bet he would've been proud if you weren't too.

Edited 2015-10-02 14:52 (UTC)

He was a simple guy. He'd probably be more proud of me working on cars here.

[But no, he has to rethink that. "Simple" isn't right.]

Not dumb. He managed to get what was going on in a crazy situation and come through no matter how crazy it sounded. And he'd - he'd face the tough stuff, he didn't hide. But I think he wanted things to be simple. Especially for me.

Kinda wish things could be simple, too.

[But that's a whole heavier conversation that will almost certainly shatter this comfy mood. And more importantly, this isn't about her. It's about Cole, who needs a bit of comfort for once. Who needs a little bit of reassurance. ]

For you, too. [She's not really hesitant to admit that. If anyone deserves a bit of peace, it's Cole.] D'you remember much about him? From when you were little?

He worked on cars. [That's the first thing, the sharpest memory.] For a living, he was a mechanic. His hands were always dirty. I had oil stains all over my t-shirts, but he'd get new ones when he could.

He was - serious. Didn't talk much. Didn't smile much at all. Mom leaving hit him hard, I can see it now, and I don't think he knew what to do with me. But he took good care of me. Having him was enough.

[He feels anger when he thinks of it, spreading out in all directions, making hin tense up again. Anger at the Army of the 12 Monkeys. Anger at Aaron for giving them up. Anger at himself for putting his father in danger to save his own skin.]

He's all I had.

[Her fingers still, just for a moment, behind his ear, finger tips tracing soothingly down an earlobe. She listens to every detail because they're important to him. They're fragments at best, not even a whole picture, but it's all he's got an Jem would cry for him if she knew every other detail. But she's quiet, leaning in to press a kiss against his hair and then her fingers are moving again, twirling strands and combing through. ]

He sounds good.

[Like he loved Cole a lot and Jem's devestated for him, that he lost him.] What was his name?

Matthew.

[He learned that later, in the news reports - to a six year old child with no mother to use the name, dad is just dad.]

Matthew Cole.

[Another sigh, soft and content at those light touches, and he shifts gears a bit.]

Thing is, I met Ramse the day I went into foster care. Soon as Jones and Cassie left. He came right up to me and never left my side again. And then when I couldn't take him to the past, I had Cassie. A lotta people here don't get that about me - they think I'm lonely, but I was never alone. Not once.

[Lonely isn't really a word she'd associate with Cole. Here, she knows he's surrounded by people who've come to care about him. He's got his best friend, the love of his life and the list goes on. Lonely isn't Cole. Lost, maybe. ]

I don't think you look lonely, really.

[And now she's just sort of musing idly, voice low.] You look sad, sometimes. Sad and tired.

I didn't know you looked that close.

[It's not a pointed comment - in fact, he says it very gently. Then he lets his eyes slip shut, drinking in the gentle sensation of her hands in his hair even more minutely.]

So do you.

[She lets out a very quiet and startled laugh, fingers dragging down to the nape of his neck and her eyes drifting down to stare down at their legs spread out in front of them.]

Sad and tired is practically my signature facial expression, if you ask my mum.

[It's an improvment on sad and angry.] I'm happy here.

Nah. [He reopens his eyes as he tilts a little grin up at her.] You got a great smile. I get people telling me I need to smile more all over the place here - what's the point when you don't mean it? Creeps me out when people smile too much.

[That's a surprising announcement from her, because he sees so much of her pain. They have fun too, of course, but it seems like she's got as many internal struggles in Eudio as she did external ones in her old life. It really does make him smile to hear that.]

Are you? Good. You should be happy.

Yeah. I mean, it's not hard when everyone's completely mental back home.

[It's easier to see Roarton for what it is too, now that she's been away. Everyone's out of their goddamn minds. ]

'Sides. I've got you to bother and a demon who let's me sleep on him.

You don't bother me.

[He knows it was a joke, the whole statement, but he still wants to say that. In case it was nudging close to what she feared was the truth, and the joke was a way of checking.]

I got a lot here too. More than I expected to get when I left my world. [He breathes slowly in, then out, like he's really processing that thought.] A lot more.

[He's not saying he's happy, though, not in so many words.]

[She notes that, though quietly so. Eudio is after all, an escape. It's temporary; it's not a happy ever after. But he could be happy, maybe. For a little while.

Very softly, voice above a whisper: ] Can I tell you something?

Yeah, of course.

[He looks up at her more closely, shifting like he's ready to prop himself up if she needs him more upright and ready to hold her.]

I don't think I wanna go home.

[And she doesn't sound sad about that. She doesn't sound uncertain about it at all. ]

[Sure enough, he does sit up and wrap an arm around Jem, drawing her close for the moment instead. A little trade-off.]

I've heard people talking about it. I gotta know my deal worked out and didn't just end with something worse, but if it did - I'd do it too. If Cassie stayed. I'm not gonna be any more used to the world I'm going back to than this place, and I learned here. I don't wanna start over again with new rules and new shit to adjust to.

Sounds complicated. [The mechanics of time travel and changing history give her a headache. She'd do it, maybe, if she could stop the rising. But she wouldn't want to think about it. ]

I miss mum and dad but that's it. Everything's just easier here. Nobody wants to hurt Kieren, nobody's tryin' to start a second rising.

!INBOX // EUDIO.

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