( part of admitting you're wrong is allowing the call outs — breathe, breathe, breathe. )to you, princess
you shouldn't have found out about anything after. about lottie or anyone else i'm sleeping with outside of the festival, banquets, or whatever it is. i've been shit at telling you guys shit and remembering to check in. i tend to not say shit in fear of it all going to shit and i don't want it to go to shit, you matter to me more than anyone else and — it's a very shitty survival instinct in a first relationship. i'm sorry
[a beat. then another. a long stretch of second after second, where Jem says nothing and almost cuts the telepathic link off out of sheer anger.
some of it slips through: bubbling frustration, hurt, misplaced betrayal. she’s quick to snap it shut, like she doesn’t want them to know how much it hurts at all. ]
i was talking to eddie [ Snapped because Eddie pulled Billy in and he doesn't know what he wants but what Jem wants, or he guesses what Jem wants is clear. Or at least, Eddie guessed near enough.
Other 'relationship drama' has been on his mind. ]
i thought we were good.
[ A beat. ] i'm sorry i didn't tell you. i'm sorry i thought it was fine. i'm sorry they're gone.
you hurt my feelings. i know there’s bigger things happening, but you did, and it feels a little like you don’t even care or want to know why i’m hurt about it?
[ surprisingly rational ]
i tell you that you’re the people i could see myself … settling down with. i tell you i’m not looking to date anyone else rn or maybe ever, and you
you get another girlfriend. and it’s someone you KNOW i’m insecure about. so yes, my feelings are hurt.
lol obviously i can’t stop you seeing other people and i don’t want to because that’s not fair and insane. and i can’t make you feel the same way i do, but you couldn’t have waited? or like … just told me you didn’t want this to be, idk, this serious? this felt special and serious and now i’m just ???
this is serious. do you think i wasn't [ insecure ] fucked up when you'd disappear to that cabin? or when you disappeared for a week after coming back from the dead? why do think i was meeting other people? you were too! you never told me you had problems with her. not like that.
i didn't do it to hurt you. i didn't do it because i can't see my whole fucking life with you. and i didn't run off to do it after you told me that. i'm not a fucking monster, jem.
i don’t have a problem with her. but she’s everything i’m not, how am i supposed to not feel insecure about that?
i don’t know how to explain this i’ve never had two big separate relationships or have something happen that fast they just always felt like … i guess, christmas morning back home? and you and eddie feel like a whole life i want to live. like we’ll make it right till we’re old. like a bunch of things might happen, but right at the end it’d just still be us.
jesus christ, jem, could you quit acting like i'm doing you a favor? or like i'm gonna get bored? like i wasnt yours after the void spat us out and we made it real? you are everything.
yeah. i want that. i don't know how to tell you i want that, that i haven't ever wanted it before now. [ not 'now'. months ago, he figures. ] but if i have to deal with a goddamn lunatic named danny johnson at sunday dinner, then you have to trust i'm not swapping out models. that i love you.
( he's been letting them go at it, letting them talk because he'd realized they all just needed someone to open the floodgates.
so he waits, jumps in when he thinks it's appropriate. )it'll still be us for me. now. in the future, if whatever brought us here breaks us apart again -- this is what i'm looking for in the end. the rest of it is temporary.
( maybe, actually, it's everyone else he's also being awful to. )you two are stuck with me. you're what i want, jem. you're right that i've been shit at showing it. so give me -- us -- a chance. don't shut us out, either. i--- we all need to stop doing that shit.
[ everything else is temporary soothes some part of her fractured psyche. you are everything comes first, and eases out the vibrating aches in her chest.
she sits with it for a moment, and breathes. she sits with it, and herself and wonders if she’ll ever be … normal. if she’ll ever stop feeling like one day everyone around her will wake up and finally be too exhausted to keep dealing with her. if she’ll ever understand why she keeps feeling that way. (except, she does. ) ]
I love you so much. [ it was so easy for Kieren to leave her, no second thoughts for her or their parents. it was so easy for countless others to leave her in Eudio. it was so easy for Petre to think she was just some insane stranger with an obsession.
she thinks: people leave me all the time. she says: ] This is what I want. You’re what I want.
[ It's a conversation that needed to happen. Shame then that good timing doesn't exist here. When Billy switches to voice, his tone is low and tired, though it can't carry the scratchy quality of his post-yelling voice. He's been angry. ]
Okay. Yeah. That's what I want.
[ It's easier to admit it this way, without rings or tattoos or grand sweeping gestures. He just wants, and he's so afraid. Either one of them could disappear. Either one of them could give their heart to someone else — literally; figuratively. Either one could realize h's not so different from his old man, that his anger is too big, too uncontrollable at times.
It's a poor attempt at a joke, delivered flatly: ] I'm down one anyway. If you want to try pulling ahead.
Sounds like we all want the same thing. ( Eddie sounds tired when he switches to voice too, not tired of them, but the way he's sounded since he rushed into their arms after walking out of the castle. ) I'm not just saying it to say it either. I love you.
( he never said it before coming here, hasn't said it to anyone else out loud. in the void, he'd said it to Jim but he hasn't found a way to get the words out there. but he's said it to Jem, said it to the both of them. he'll say it to Billy on his own more.
You’re it, baby. Always. No matter what. I’ll keep reminding you. ( maybe they all need it a little, he thinks. the reminder. this was mostly about her, though. ) Love you.
Yeah. Most of the time. [ When he's not being his own brand of crazy. ]
This isn't easy. [ It isn't easy for him. And sure, Jem isn't easy, and Eddie isn't, not all the time, but neither is Billy. Billy can be difficult, bull-like and frustrating. ] Sorry.
I did say you're both stuck with me, baby. It's the two of you. ( most of the time, all of the time. he doesn't think he can imagine anything else now. )
Wait— [ Snapped out suddenly, when she follows it-isn't-easy, with i-love-you. ] It's not about loving you. That part's been easy since— [ the void? the woodshed? the mushrooms? ] Since I knew we were the same. [Because they are, even if they make different choices. Even if their anger and insecurities take different forms. ] I do. I love you.
I'm the problem. I don't say it enough. [ To her or to Eddie, even though he thinks he could. It's easier in the morning, mumbling it against the shell of her ear or pressing his mouth to Eddie's collar bone. ]
Maybe --- ( he starts and then stops, brows furrowed as he thinks. ) What if we find a way to say it without saying it? So it's easier? So we know. Something just for us.
( they have safe words, why not codewords or some sort of action? )
[ No, because if it was enough, then she wouldn't feel like this. It's hard to mumble in the connection, but his voice is a slow roll: ] I try to say it everyday. Even if I don't say it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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( breathing! BREATHING!! )
been not a great boyfriend
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you shouldn't have found out about anything after. about lottie or anyone else i'm sleeping with outside of the festival, banquets, or whatever it is. i've been shit at telling you guys shit and remembering to check in. i tend to not say shit in fear of it all going to shit and i don't want it to go to shit, you matter to me more than anyone else and — it's a very shitty survival instinct in a first relationship. i'm sorry
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... ]
did you want me to say something?
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some of it slips through: bubbling frustration, hurt, misplaced betrayal. she’s quick to snap it shut, like she doesn’t want them to know how much it hurts at all. ]
i guess not.
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Other 'relationship drama' has been on his mind. ]
i thought we were good.
[ A beat. ] i'm sorry i didn't tell you. i'm sorry i thought it was fine. i'm sorry they're gone.
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[ surprisingly rational ]
i tell you that you’re the people i could see myself … settling down with. i tell you i’m not looking to date anyone else rn or maybe ever, and you
you get another girlfriend. and it’s someone you KNOW i’m insecure about. so yes, my feelings are hurt.
lol obviously i can’t stop you seeing other people and i don’t want to because that’s not fair and insane. and i can’t make you feel the same way i do, but you couldn’t have waited? or like … just told me you didn’t want this to be, idk, this serious? this felt special and serious and now i’m just ???
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do you think i wasn't [ insecure ] fucked up when you'd disappear to that cabin? or when you disappeared for a week after coming back from the dead? why do think i was meeting other people? you were too! you never told me you had problems with her. not like that.
i didn't do it to hurt you. i didn't do it because i can't see my whole fucking life with you. and i didn't run off to do it after you told me that. i'm not a fucking monster, jem.
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i don’t know how to explain this
i’ve never had two big separate relationships or have something happen that fast
they just always felt like … i guess, christmas morning back home?
and you and eddie feel like a whole life i want to live. like we’ll make it right till we’re old. like a bunch of things might happen, but right at the end it’d just still be us.
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yeah. i want that. i don't know how to tell you i want that, that i haven't ever wanted it before now. [ not 'now'. months ago, he figures. ] but if i have to deal with a goddamn lunatic named danny johnson at sunday dinner, then you have to trust i'm not swapping out models. that i love you.
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so he waits, jumps in when he thinks it's appropriate. ) it'll still be us for me. now. in the future, if whatever brought us here breaks us apart again -- this is what i'm looking for in the end. the rest of it is temporary.
( maybe, actually, it's everyone else he's also being awful to. ) you two are stuck with me. you're what i want, jem. you're right that i've been shit at showing it. so give me -- us -- a chance. don't shut us out, either. i--- we all need to stop doing that shit.
— voice.
she sits with it for a moment, and breathes. she sits with it, and herself and wonders if she’ll ever be … normal. if she’ll ever stop feeling like one day everyone around her will wake up and finally be too exhausted to keep dealing with her. if she’ll ever understand why she keeps feeling that way. (except, she does. ) ]
I love you so much. [ it was so easy for Kieren to leave her, no second thoughts for her or their parents. it was so easy for countless others to leave her in Eudio. it was so easy for Petre to think she was just some insane stranger with an obsession.
she thinks: people leave me all the time. she says: ] This is what I want. You’re what I want.
voice;
Okay. Yeah. That's what I want.
[ It's easier to admit it this way, without rings or tattoos or grand sweeping gestures. He just wants, and he's so afraid. Either one of them could disappear. Either one of them could give their heart to someone else — literally; figuratively. Either one could realize h's not so different from his old man, that his anger is too big, too uncontrollable at times.
It's a poor attempt at a joke, delivered flatly: ] I'm down one anyway. If you want to try pulling ahead.
— voice
( he never said it before coming here, hasn't said it to anyone else out loud. in the void, he'd said it to Jim but he hasn't found a way to get the words out there. but he's said it to Jem, said it to the both of them. he'll say it to Billy on his own more.
he snorts at the joke, doesn't comment on it. )
— voice
I think I just need to hear it more often. That I’m - it?
— voice
— voice
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Yeah. Most of the time. [ When he's not being his own brand of crazy. ]
This isn't easy. [ It isn't easy for him. And sure, Jem isn't easy, and Eddie isn't, not all the time, but neither is Billy. Billy can be difficult, bull-like and frustrating. ] Sorry.
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Don't be sorry either.
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[ that she doesn’t make it easy to love her. that she can’t.
she feels tired again; feels unhappily resigned to her own neurosis and insecurities. ]
I love you. I think I need to go lay down or something.
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I'm the problem. I don't say it enough. [ To her or to Eddie, even though he thinks he could. It's easier in the morning, mumbling it against the shell of her ear or pressing his mouth to Eddie's collar bone. ]
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( they have safe words, why not codewords or some sort of action? )
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[ she’s not the person she’s supposed to be. easy. cool. fine with everything. ]
- Something just for us?
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