i know but she--- she can fuck with people in there. she can make it hard to answer even if you aren't dying( he spent a month in there with her and the thought that she has john again is kind of worst )
[she almost doesn't answer. she's all over the place, she's trying to keep it together, she's trying to be normal in ways she hasn't been able to since she got here. she's trying to pretend she's not a mess half the time, that she didn't completely lose her shit on the two of them days ago.
she's struck, suddenly, by how easy it is to disappear. how quickly it happens. you blink and then the next second you're gone. it's the difference between one heartbeat to the next. ]
i love you both so much.
[ she needs to say it more. why didn't she say it more? ]
love you too, baby( he says it in an instant, doesn't hesitate.
he's already leaving the greenhouse to look since he said he would. before arriving in Rubilykskoye, Eddie would have stopped and wondered why the thought of John being gone freaks him out so much. he's more used to people leaving than staying in his life but-- but this feels different. usually when people leave it's by choice and with better opportunities in sight.
maybe it's because it's John; maybe somehow he'd gotten so comfortable with the little circle of people in his life, that he didn't think it was possible. he knows it wouldn't be by choice, but it doesn't keep the panic at bay anyway as he tries not to let it come through and make things worse for Jem. )
[with her, anywhere, everywhere. the best she can do is: ] everywhere else?
[ that's a sizeable space to cover. that's an impossible ask, it's too vague, it's meaningless, but she appreciates him anyway. she sends the appreciation through; a squeeze to his hand, a kiss to his cheek. all impressions, all lovelovelove.
later - hours, maybe a day, she says with more finality: ] I think he's really gone.
[ Billy asks around, feels uncertain while he does it, like someone's going to ask: What's it to you? Mostly though, VT or local shrug in response. The old ladies titter over their canning, He hasn't come by, they say. Oh, he's not answering, another says, worried, she's the one who's sure he looked like her departed husband. Sometimes you Void Touched... you go off, a third says, sadly, uncertainly. She pats his arm and it feels cheap, because she should be gripping Jem's arm, or one of the others, someone who 'got' the God Emperor.
Later: ] When we fucked with the tattoos... [ sorry, Eddie. ] It would've worked... until it came back. The monster kept them connected. Or the caves. They were weird.
[ That doesn't feel good either though. The thought that John's in a cave or mark-less somehow or... ]
[It feels like the kind of thing she said, once, when Kieren was missing. He'll be back later, you'll see and yeah, yeah of course, maybe, yeah. She doesn't think John's coming back; she thinks, truthfully, that if he could, he'd be here right now. That House wouldn't be in pain, that Danny wouldn't be pacing the length of the cabin looking for things to do, his eyes on them, never straying, never leaving.
In Eudio, when people left, they always said goodbye. She always knew; she always expected it. This feels like a loss. This feels like grief all over again. ]
We'll probably go to the gates on the first, just on the off chance she has him. But he's - he can't die. He doesn't die like we do. [She hasn't cried yet. That's something. ] Maybe - maybe don't tell anyone, just yet. Just in case.
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what do you mean
GONE
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ok
maybe he's in the castle and zlatka's got new shitty powers?
do u-- do u want me to come look with you guys?
or i can spread out and cover more ground
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[ there would be something, wouldn't there? some kind of acknowledgement. a breath, a heartbeat, the usual impression of i love you. ]
could you check town?
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yeah, baby
i'll check
we'll find him
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she's struck, suddenly, by how easy it is to disappear. how quickly it happens. you blink and then the next second you're gone. it's the difference between one heartbeat to the next. ]
i love you both so much.
[ she needs to say it more. why didn't she say it more? ]
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he's already leaving the greenhouse to look since he said he would. before arriving in Rubilykskoye, Eddie would have stopped and wondered why the thought of John being gone freaks him out so much. he's more used to people leaving than staying in his life but-- but this feels different. usually when people leave it's by choice and with better opportunities in sight.
maybe it's because it's John; maybe somehow he'd gotten so comfortable with the little circle of people in his life, that he didn't think it was possible. he knows it wouldn't be by choice, but it doesn't keep the panic at bay anyway as he tries not to let it come through and make things worse for Jem. )
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He's not emotive like Eddie, not about this. ] where do you want me?
[ If she wants him to look, he'll look. ]
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[ that's a sizeable space to cover. that's an impossible ask, it's too vague, it's meaningless, but she appreciates him anyway. she sends the appreciation through; a squeeze to his hand, a kiss to his cheek. all impressions, all lovelovelove.
later - hours, maybe a day, she says with more finality: ] I think he's really gone.
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Later: ] When we fucked with the tattoos... [ sorry, Eddie. ] It would've worked... until it came back. The monster kept them connected. Or the caves. They were weird.
[ That doesn't feel good either though. The thought that John's in a cave or mark-less somehow or... ]
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[It feels like the kind of thing she said, once, when Kieren was missing. He'll be back later, you'll see and yeah, yeah of course, maybe, yeah. She doesn't think John's coming back; she thinks, truthfully, that if he could, he'd be here right now. That House wouldn't be in pain, that Danny wouldn't be pacing the length of the cabin looking for things to do, his eyes on them, never straying, never leaving.
In Eudio, when people left, they always said goodbye. She always knew; she always expected it. This feels like a loss. This feels like grief all over again. ]
We'll probably go to the gates on the first, just on the off chance she has him. But he's - he can't die. He doesn't die like we do. [She hasn't cried yet. That's something. ] Maybe - maybe don't tell anyone, just yet. Just in case.