- RUBI INBOX -

[medals]

JEM WALKER

TELEPATHY - LETTERS - DELIVERIES - IN PERSON

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Comments

lmao idk when this is leave me alone

[cacotopia]

You loved him, right?

no i won't actually

[medals]

Which him?

[cacotopia]

That other Petre.

[medals]

I -

[still love him? never stopped? couldn't stop, if she tried?]

Yeah. I did.

[cacotopia]

But you still memorized all those prayers. So you could hurt him.

[ He doesn't sound accusatory, just - like he's making sure of something else that's on his mind. ]

[medals]

No.

[a beat. then another. a long, oppressive pause. ]

So he couldn't hurt me. He - never hurt me, but he - I saw him hurt other people. People we both cared about. People who could take it, I guess.

[cacotopia]

Did he ever tell you why he hurt them?

[medals]

I think they hurt him first. He acted like he didn't care, you know? But I think every hurt was a betrayal.

[cacotopia]

[ Yeah, that. Sounds about right. Familiar. ]

I think it's bullshit when people say that they love somebody. [ Did she ask for what he's going to ramble about next? Nope, but she's still gonna get it, because she's the only one who might understand. ] Anyone can do what you expect out of love. You don't actually matter to someone if they do shit for you that they could do for a stranger just to be nice.

[ Hngh. ]

It's when they do shit that makes you hate them. When they know how to hurt you and you know that they would. That's when you actually matter.

[medals]

Sometimes - sometimes love is having the power to destroy someone, and choosing not to because life without them would be unbearable.

[sometimes. ] And sometimes it's easier than that. Hate is - exhausting.

[cacotopia]

Yeah, that's - that's fucking it.

[ She understands. Fuck. ]

[medals]

What happened?

[cacotopia]

[ jfhagsd. Let him try to get it out first. ]

Somebody told me he loves me. That's not what I want. It felt better when he said he'd hate me if I hurt him again.

[medals]

Oh.

[girlie pop u are fucked up]

You're self-sabotaging.

[cacotopia]

[ She noticed huh!! ]

Why?

[medals]

I'm not a therapist.

[but] Do you think you deserve to be loved?

[cacotopia]

You're the one that fucking said it, forgive me for thinking you actually had a reason. [ Sheesh. >:T ] I just want to matter.

[medals]

I don't know why you do what you do, Petre. I can just see what you're doing, because I do it.

[a beat] When people hate you, you matter and you know what to expect. And when they love you, or you love them, you open yourself up to being hurt. Right?

[cacotopia]

[ His brain. It hurts. ]

I. Guess?

[medals]

Do you care about the person who loves you?

[cacotopia]

Yeah?

[ He cared enough to hurt him when he felt betrayed. ]

It's like you said. He hurt me first.

[medals]

Right. Did you talk about it? How he hurt you?

[cacotopia]

Yeah. That's when he told me he'd hate me if I did it again.

[medals]

So don't do it again. It goes both ways, Petre. You have to make the effort to - trust people.

[cacotopia]

I did.

[ And that's where it all went wrong. That's where it always goes wrong. ]

You didn't trust him not to hurt you.