She feels a little like a doll right now. She’s never been especially easy to direct, she thinks; before, when she was still just raw nerves and broken, she would have rather bit than roll over with her belly up. This is nice, though, even if she and John are both crying, and even if there are parts of her that ache and sting. This is safe, this is trust.
She lets him twist her around, and she would go all the way if she could bear to lose the fingers stuffed inside of her. She can’t. Not yet. Half around, she goes very sweet under his mouth, and then kisses him sweeter with a hand on his cheek, and after that sweeter still when she kisses his nose.
He's going to cry again, which should be more embarrassing than it is; he barely ever cries, had thought that level of emotion lost to him, but it's here now between the tangle of their bodies. It's here for Jem kissing his nose, for the image of House's slumped body that he sees every time he closes his eyes for any length of time, for the aftershocks of sex still rippling through his nerves alongside the cold. He tucks his face away and sniffles and weeps hot tears, impossible to ever mistake for a god.
"Sorry," he says again, muffled, even with her reassurances, this time apologizing for being an ugly wreck, for taking his suffering and using it to make things worse for everyone, like always. "Sorry, I just need to — splash my face." The water is right there, and he wants to retreat to it, not running away but trying to shock himself out of his misery with the clean cold.
“Okay.” There’s not much else for it. When he’s pulled away, created enough space between then for her to slip back down into the cold, Jem winces and splashes her own face, wipes at her cheeks and sinks down to her chin.
When Kieren died, Jem didn’t leave her room for seven days. She barely ate a thing. She cried so much her eyes stopped being wet. She knows now that he was back within weeks. She knows now that House will be back with them within weeks.
It doesn’t feel reassuring, today. The loss is too new. The grief is too raw, and Jem doesn’t know House the way John does, and Jem cannot possibly love House the way that John does, but loss is loss, and she feels a horrible swell of guilt for having been right there. That she fell asleep at all.
She watches John for a long time, doing what he has to do. He doesn’t look like a god at all, but Jem’s really only ever saw a man, even with his eyes.
She ducks her head under the water. Counts and holds her breath until her burning lungs force her back to the surface. After this she reaches for John’s arm, pulls him back towards her and wraps herself around his middle, presses her face to his chest and holds on very tight. “I think,” she says, with less of a tremble in her voice. “That we should have tea, and eat something. And then we should drag Danny back inside and lie down for a little while, until it’s late enough to drink something stronger. Then we should all be really morose while listening to the cannibal album, because I think House would find it really funny and a huge ego boost if we all get really drunk about it.”
John gathers her in, kisses the top of her head, and holds her. He feels a multifaceted kind of awful, but this is nice. Carefully, he heals her - physically, the only kind he can manage. Washes her up with gentle hands.
"Okay," he says quietly. He feels strangely peaceful. "Let's do that."
She’ll never really be used to the way John is able to make the physical sting and the aches disappear; the way he’s able to get down into the flesh, straight through the muscle and into the nerve endings to make it all better. It’s nice. It’s nicer to be held.
She doesn’t bother dressing, really, when she drags him out of the cold water. She’s holding their clothes against her front like a shield against the wind with one arm, taking his hand with the other hand and leading him home. From there it’s harder, she knows, to exist or be peaceful. It’s a house without House. It’s a bed missing a key component. There are so many corners of this cabin which House should occupy and simply is not.
It’s not easy to ignore. It’s easier to pretend he’s at work while she fixes the tea, still naked, thawing out only by the grace of the fire. It’s easier to imagine he could come back later, in a matter of hours, to cook, to fill up the terrible silence that he’s left behind. Jem’s never been good at grieving, or comforting - she’s decent at tea making, though, so that’s what she does. She makes them a pot, lets it heat them through. She sits on John’s knee for a while, with her face pressed to his shoulder and her fingers stroking his back. After this she drags Danny back inside and puts them all to bed, either side of John, and she strokes John’s hair like she’s doing a dozen times before.
It feels a little like waiting for the clock to hit 5pm, but of course there’s no clock, and of course House isn’t coming home. At the very least, for the rest of the night, she doesn’t cry again.
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no subject
She lets him twist her around, and she would go all the way if she could bear to lose the fingers stuffed inside of her. She can’t. Not yet. Half around, she goes very sweet under his mouth, and then kisses him sweeter with a hand on his cheek, and after that sweeter still when she kisses his nose.
Softly, she admits: “There’s nothing to forgive.”
no subject
"Sorry," he says again, muffled, even with her reassurances, this time apologizing for being an ugly wreck, for taking his suffering and using it to make things worse for everyone, like always. "Sorry, I just need to — splash my face." The water is right there, and he wants to retreat to it, not running away but trying to shock himself out of his misery with the clean cold.
no subject
When Kieren died, Jem didn’t leave her room for seven days. She barely ate a thing. She cried so much her eyes stopped being wet. She knows now that he was back within weeks. She knows now that House will be back with them within weeks.
It doesn’t feel reassuring, today. The loss is too new. The grief is too raw, and Jem doesn’t know House the way John does, and Jem cannot possibly love House the way that John does, but loss is loss, and she feels a horrible swell of guilt for having been right there. That she fell asleep at all.
She watches John for a long time, doing what he has to do. He doesn’t look like a god at all, but Jem’s really only ever saw a man, even with his eyes.
She ducks her head under the water. Counts and holds her breath until her burning lungs force her back to the surface. After this she reaches for John’s arm, pulls him back towards her and wraps herself around his middle, presses her face to his chest and holds on very tight. “I think,” she says, with less of a tremble in her voice. “That we should have tea, and eat something. And then we should drag Danny back inside and lie down for a little while, until it’s late enough to drink something stronger. Then we should all be really morose while listening to the cannibal album, because I think House would find it really funny and a huge ego boost if we all get really drunk about it.”
no subject
"Okay," he says quietly. He feels strangely peaceful. "Let's do that."
no subject
She doesn’t bother dressing, really, when she drags him out of the cold water. She’s holding their clothes against her front like a shield against the wind with one arm, taking his hand with the other hand and leading him home. From there it’s harder, she knows, to exist or be peaceful. It’s a house without House. It’s a bed missing a key component. There are so many corners of this cabin which House should occupy and simply is not.
It’s not easy to ignore. It’s easier to pretend he’s at work while she fixes the tea, still naked, thawing out only by the grace of the fire. It’s easier to imagine he could come back later, in a matter of hours, to cook, to fill up the terrible silence that he’s left behind. Jem’s never been good at grieving, or comforting - she’s decent at tea making, though, so that’s what she does. She makes them a pot, lets it heat them through. She sits on John’s knee for a while, with her face pressed to his shoulder and her fingers stroking his back. After this she drags Danny back inside and puts them all to bed, either side of John, and she strokes John’s hair like she’s doing a dozen times before.
It feels a little like waiting for the clock to hit 5pm, but of course there’s no clock, and of course House isn’t coming home. At the very least, for the rest of the night, she doesn’t cry again.