( he wants to believe her, does honestly, but he wouldn't blame her if she did in the end. if this is the line, if this is where it's crossed. shared fantasies are one thing, this is something wholly different.
either way eddie doesn't answer as he makes his way back at the boarding house, to their room. he's in a different shirt than the day before and he's clearly still on the way to the land of the undead even though he's fed and fucked the night before. the panic, paranoia and self-loathing don't help.
he leans against the closed door. ) I wouldn't blame you if you did though. For this.
[she's been chewing her thumb a little. torn the skin close to the nail, right till it stings. it keeps her grounded right up until Eddie slips in, closes the door behind him.
she's on him in a second, hands on his face, thumbs over his cheeks. ] Hey, no. None of that.
( he takes her hand, the one that smells like blood. brings it to his mouth, where his fangs are already coated in venom. and he tries to be gentle, oh so gentle, to press his tooth near the wound so the venom drops and clothes it instead of breaking in further.
it’s a new trick, one he learned with danny. he kisses her palm, lets her hand go.
the question is easier from jem than it is from hopper. but they both asked and eddie wonders what that means, doesn’t linger too long. ) I need to tell you…
I don’t want to but I need to. I need you here with me. (i need you. )
[She walks them back. One baby step at a time, until her legs hit one of the beds. She turns his hand, presses a kiss against his knuckles. Sits down, pulls him down with her. ] I’ll stay right here. What do you need to tell me?
( he does down easy with her. at least right now, when there are no games being played between them and it’s just them.
he moves her closer, hand on her hips until jem’s in his lap and he can wrap his arms around her and hide against the crook of her neck. she shouldn’t trust him like this, with her the best thing he’s tasted if he doesn’t compare— )
I liked it. ( he whispers between them, tense and terrified. it’s out now, he can’t take it back. ) Her blood tasted so good at the end.
[Her arms go tight around him. She holds him there, face tucked into her shoulder, the crook of her neck.
I liked it.
Her fingers wrap themselves up in his hair. The admission sits between them, occupying the quiet It stays against her neck, close to her throat. She’s stroking his hair, she’s got a palm flat against his back.
I liked it.
Do you think this place makes us worse — ] Tell me about it.
( he feels like a monster and yet he feels safe, tucked against jem’s frame like this. like it’s fine. like the moment won’t shatter and she won’t want him so close to her arteries anymore.
except she doesn’t push him back, only pulls him tight. eddie can’t quite place the last time he was held like this, as if someone meant to protect him from the world. he lets out a breath, bits into his lower lip and licks away the blood. ) I just meant to wake her up. Tried to trick the curse or whatever…
But it’s like there was something in her blood. Like fucking heroine but other, I knew as soon as I bit down. ( as if it’ll make it better. he holds jem like a life-line. ) She wasn’t struggling at all until the end, until the panic and pain really kicked in but she was as weak as a kitten, mewling so soft, and tasted so good and I—- I couldn’t stop. She tasted so fucking good until—- And then she was gone.
And I— ( he cuts himself off, shakes his head. he’d been so goddamn disappointed he couldn’t have more. ) Fuck. I’m so sorry.
[It doesn’t feel like she can say anything particularly helpful, or soothing, or even really rational. Eddie just feels like he always does when she holds him, or when she’s being held.
He feels safe, even as he describes the death of another human being. Maybe there is something here, something that makes them worse. Something that makes them stupid. ]
I don’t know what makes blood taste better or worse, really. But - probably, the adrenaline. Serotonin. Oxytocin. It makes sense.
[Maybe you get closer to a soul in that final drain. ]
Did - did you just like the blood? Or was it the killing. Because those are two different things, Eddie.
( it makes sense, it does. that’s how drugs work, fuck up with the receptors and release more into your system. that’s what this was, a flood of chemicals that had him flying. )
Does it matter? If I want to taste that again— Does it matter if there’s a difference? ( because he’ll have to kill to ever taste it again either way. ) I felt so fucking alive in the moment she died, so fucking powerful. Full of her.
( he’s still hiding from it, from jem. from ianthe too and her retribution for just a bit longer. )
[It’s circumstantial, sure, but it matters. Isn’t one better than the other? Isn’t better to go a little far by accident, rather than enjoy the final act?
She tries to pull him from her shoulder, to really look at him. ] You asked me if this place makes us worse. So it matters.
[She wants to help. She does. She just needs to hear something honest, like maybe that will make her feel better about the unpleasant twist of jealousy she feels, that Eddie’s full of someone else. That someone else made him feel larger than life; made him powerful. ]
( he only resists for a moment, then decides he can’t run forever. she’d said he was here, hadn’t she, so jem should know what she’s in for. )
I liked the taste, the feeling right before the last breathe. ( eddie says after a moment, looking into her eyes and he’s terrified of what she’ll see in his. that despite it being an accident, he’d do it again if he got desperate enough. that he knows and hates that about himself. ) I didn’t want her to die for it.
[She doesn't think he's lying. That's a funny certainty, really; two? Three months? Jem is so certain she'd know if he were lying to her. Like she's spent every day of those months carefully memorising all the micro-expressions that make up Eddie Munson as a person. She has; she's done it with other people too. Maybe it's a survival instinct. Maybe it's just delusion. She doesn't think he's lying, and even if he were, she'd still kiss his forehead the way she does now. ]
Humans can be monsters, Eddie. [Human being's most of all. Her lips are warm against his skin. ] But the regret means you've still got good in you, I think. I think when we start switching that off, when the consequences stop mattering, then we've probably stepped over some threshold.
[She says, quieter: ] It's harder to stay good. No one is just good or bad, you know? I think we choose whether we're good, or whether we stop caring.
( there is a question on eddie’s lips and maybe he’s the monster for wanting to voice it, for wanting to hurl it into the space between them and let it eat them both up like it’s been eating at him. jem’s lips are warm against his skin and eddie’s drunk on the so scarce feeling of safety and being seen beyond the mask of friendly court jester, here to draw away the attention with laughter.
he swallows, closes his eyes. in the little space between them, it feels like he can peel back more of those layers and cast them aside. ) She’s up and walking already. I’m not sure it matters.
( and that’s what eddie’s stuck on, really. the awful truth of it because if it doesn’t matter than he’s making the choice already, isn’t he. ) I’ve tried to be so fucking good for so long, Jem.
( the answer he knows he should give is simple, but that’s answering for others. that’s reading the room and knowing where the slots fit in to ease the tension and make it safe.
eddie lets out a breath through his nose, frowns. ) That’s the million dollar question.
( he leans up, presses forehead to forehead. the admission makes him feel more selfish, feel more at ease all the same. like maybe who and what he is don’t matter, that she’ll keep him all the same like he wants to keep her close.
like the beast boiling underneath his skin craves sinking its fangs into her neck, knowing it would be better than anything else. it’d a terrifying though and it’s dangerous to ask. he does it anyway, whispers between them: ) Yeah? Would you be a little bad with me?
Sometimes, [Jem says, slowly, a little conspiratorial. ] I think I've only ever been good because I don't want to disappoint my big brother.
[She reaches for his hands, lifts them to press them against her own cheeks. ] I'm not even very good at being good, Eddie. Every time I try, I always to fuck it all up anyway. I always - I always hurt someone.
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you're okay. you're going to be okay. they'll be okay too - death doesn't last here, remember? you're - you're fine. it was an accident, wasn't it?
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they're goddamn walking already.
i did that shit and they're fine and i didn't mean to but--- it's not. it's not fucking fine. that's only half the problem.
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either way eddie doesn't answer as he makes his way back at the boarding house, to their room. he's in a different shirt than the day before and he's clearly still on the way to the land of the undead even though he's fed and fucked the night before. the panic, paranoia and self-loathing don't help.
he leans against the closed door. ) I wouldn't blame you if you did though. For this.
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she's on him in a second, hands on his face, thumbs over his cheeks. ] Hey, no. None of that.
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he smells the blood even though he doesn’t see it, swallows. ) Baby. You’re bleeding.
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Are - what can I do? What do you need?
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it’s a new trick, one he learned with danny. he kisses her palm, lets her hand go.
the question is easier from jem than it is from hopper. but they both asked and eddie wonders what that means, doesn’t linger too long. ) I need to tell you…
I don’t want to but I need to. I need you here with me. ( i need you. )
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[She walks them back. One baby step at a time, until her legs hit one of the beds. She turns his hand, presses a kiss against his knuckles. Sits down, pulls him down with her. ] I’ll stay right here. What do you need to tell me?
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he moves her closer, hand on her hips until jem’s in his lap and he can wrap his arms around her and hide against the crook of her neck. she shouldn’t trust him like this, with her the best thing he’s tasted if he doesn’t compare— )
I liked it. ( he whispers between them, tense and terrified. it’s out now, he can’t take it back. ) Her blood tasted so good at the end.
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I liked it.
Her fingers wrap themselves up in his hair. The admission sits between them, occupying the quiet It stays against her neck, close to her throat. She’s stroking his hair, she’s got a palm flat against his back.
I liked it.
Do you think this place makes us worse — ] Tell me about it.
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except she doesn’t push him back, only pulls him tight. eddie can’t quite place the last time he was held like this, as if someone meant to protect him from the world. he lets out a breath, bits into his lower lip and licks away the blood. ) I just meant to wake her up. Tried to trick the curse or whatever…
But it’s like there was something in her blood. Like fucking heroine but other, I knew as soon as I bit down. ( as if it’ll make it better. he holds jem like a life-line. ) She wasn’t struggling at all until the end, until the panic and pain really kicked in but she was as weak as a kitten, mewling so soft, and tasted so good and I—- I couldn’t stop. She tasted so fucking good until—- And then she was gone.
And I— ( he cuts himself off, shakes his head. he’d been so goddamn disappointed he couldn’t have more. ) Fuck. I’m so sorry.
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He feels safe, even as he describes the death of another human being. Maybe there is something here, something that makes them worse. Something that makes them stupid. ]
I don’t know what makes blood taste better or worse, really. But - probably, the adrenaline. Serotonin. Oxytocin. It makes sense.
[Maybe you get closer to a soul in that final drain. ]
Did - did you just like the blood? Or was it the killing. Because those are two different things, Eddie.
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Does it matter? If I want to taste that again— Does it matter if there’s a difference? ( because he’ll have to kill to ever taste it again either way. ) I felt so fucking alive in the moment she died, so fucking powerful. Full of her.
( he’s still hiding from it, from jem. from ianthe too and her retribution for just a bit longer. )
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[It’s circumstantial, sure, but it matters. Isn’t one better than the other? Isn’t better to go a little far by accident, rather than enjoy the final act?
She tries to pull him from her shoulder, to really look at him. ] You asked me if this place makes us worse. So it matters.
[She wants to help. She does. She just needs to hear something honest, like maybe that will make her feel better about the unpleasant twist of jealousy she feels, that Eddie’s full of someone else. That someone else made him feel larger than life; made him powerful. ]
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I liked the taste, the feeling right before the last breathe. ( eddie says after a moment, looking into her eyes and he’s terrified of what she’ll see in his. that despite it being an accident, he’d do it again if he got desperate enough. that he knows and hates that about himself. ) I didn’t want her to die for it.
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Humans can be monsters, Eddie. [Human being's most of all. Her lips are warm against his skin. ] But the regret means you've still got good in you, I think. I think when we start switching that off, when the consequences stop mattering, then we've probably stepped over some threshold.
[She says, quieter: ] It's harder to stay good. No one is just good or bad, you know? I think we choose whether we're good, or whether we stop caring.
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he swallows, closes his eyes. in the little space between them, it feels like he can peel back more of those layers and cast them aside. ) She’s up and walking already. I’m not sure it matters.
( and that’s what eddie’s stuck on, really. the awful truth of it because if it doesn’t matter than he’s making the choice already, isn’t he. ) I’ve tried to be so fucking good for so long, Jem.
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She thinks about how easy it had been to slip into old skin, pick up a gun and feel that power while people told her she was doing good.
She says, gently:] Eddie, do you want to be good?
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eddie lets out a breath through his nose, frowns. ) That’s the million dollar question.
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[She hasn’t pulled away though. She keeps him there; keeps herself right here, anchored to him.
Admits, very quietly:] I’d still like you, even if you didn’t.
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like the beast boiling underneath his skin craves sinking its fangs into her neck, knowing it would be better than anything else. it’d a terrifying though and it’s dangerous to ask. he does it anyway, whispers between them: ) Yeah? Would you be a little bad with me?
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[She reaches for his hands, lifts them to press them against her own cheeks. ] I'm not even very good at being good, Eddie. Every time I try, I always to fuck it all up anyway. I always - I always hurt someone.
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