medals | !INBOX // EUDIO.

I went and saw him.

[She'll know what he means.]

[Oh.]

The world still spinning? [did it go okay]

I've got a diagnosis.

[The tone of his voice says what he thinks about that.]

Bet I can guess what it is, too.

[she can tell immediately what he thinks about that. if she'd come to Eudio before the whole thing with Maxine, she'd have the same reaction.]

Go on.

Onset anxiety caused by post-traumatic stress.

[like she just read it off her own file, voice utterly dry.] Am I close?

Really close. The post-traumatic stress thing is bang on. He says it's all normal, everything. [He laughs, a bit tensely.] Said I was well-adjusted, considering.

[a beat. ] He's not wrong. Feels hard to believe at first, but well. You told me the same thing, almost.

[and another. ] What did he recommend?

Seeing him again. [Another one of those terse laughs.] I got something for sleep too, but I didn't fill it yet. He says -

[This is where it gets harder. Deeper.]

- he says I try to help people 'cause I've got Survivor's Guilt. It means I don't feel like I deserved to live when so many people didn't. Starting with my dad. That's why I was ready to stop existing to bring 'em back, and now I put other people with the same shit over me. They deserve it more.

[a deep inhale. ] You sure you want to talk about this over the phone?

[He can come over, she means. If he wants. Or she can. ]

They're just names for things. It doesn't change anything.

[His voice is shaking a bit. He's not sure he could hold it together in person, so he's not answering.]

[It's more than that. But he doesn't answer and maybe that's answer enough. They're similar in a lot of ways, but maybe this is where they differ. Jem doesn't mind losing it in front on him; maybe Cole feels like he still got some face left to save. ]

It's context, isn't it?

I guess.

[There's a pause, just the sound of him breathing, and then he speaks again.]

There's more I gotta tell him. But I don't know how.

Bit by bit. You don't have to tell the rest all at once. Cole, you could tell him in six months and it'd be fine.

[well, this is a little surreal, being here for Cole for once.] You just say what you're ready to say.

I haven't... told anyone this.

[And it's a bit manipulative, how he's broaching it with her, but she's both the only person who'll understand and the last who should hear it.]

But you're not the right one for it either.

[a beat.] If you're working up to telling me you've eaten a person ...

[she's not joking; there are few things worse and she's forgiven it countless times now.]

[He laughs, but there's no amusement in it. It's a startled, harsh sort of sound.]

God, Jem, no. We never went that far, ever. We wouldn't even eat the stray dogs that followed us around. More heart than sense sometimes.

[When they weren't... killing brutally... but they tried to stick to food, at least, and weren't impervious to puppy eyes.]

It's about - well. About Petre, though.

[She let's out a very relieved sigh. She's stretched herself thin already between Kieren and Petre; she's not sure she can do the 'I eat peoplem conversation again any time soon.

But just as soon as she's relieved, she's puzzled.]

- What about Petre?

It - that I don't wanna talk about over the phone. And I really shouldn't with you. It's just - something I think only you can get, about both of us.

It's just about us, though. Alright? If I tell you this, don't make it about you two. This is just me and him.

Okay? [If she's worried, she's careful to keep it out of her voice. ] Okay. Do - do you wanna come over? House is empty.

Yeah. That's probably best.

I mean it, though, Jem. I didn't expect it, but - you two are doing good things for one another. Don't let this come between you.

[And a little while later, there'll be a knock. He looks thoroughly exhausted today, but the emotional sort of exhausted that fits with one's first therapy session. It's all in the eyes, where it usually is, that hollow stare of someone who's seen too much and now viewed it anew through a very different lens.]

[The fortunate thing is that Cole is only an inch or two taller than her. As soon as she's opened the door and gotten a good look at him, she's pulling him in for a tight hug. She can't press his face to her chest like he can with her, but she can run soothing circles onto his back and she does. She's never seen him so wrecked or as vulnerable. She'd been preparing for the worst, but seeing him now she's not sure she's prepared enough.

Reluctantly, she doesn't linger - she shuts the door and leads him quietly to her room; the house is empty now, but it's not like with Ramse and Cassie who are probably very polite house guests. The only real privacy is their rooms. As soon as they're inside, Lady is immediately all over Cole's shoes and Jem very gently picls her up and puts her in her tiny cat bed, out of the way. ]

House is empty, but Gwen might climb in her window again and surprise me.

[She nods to her bed, half made and littered with pilllows.] You can sit down.

[God, being hugged like that just makes him feel like she's holding him together, and he might fall apart if she lets go. But he's had much deeper gouges taken out of him and remained in one piece, so he does now as well, following behind her and nodding - climb in the window is noted, but left to ask about later. He's worked up the courage to let this out, and diversions into the oddities of roommates are exactly the sort of distractions that could make him lose it.

He eyes her bed for a second, but - there's no sexual energy here today. No tension. This is a time when they offer comfort, but the roles have been reversed, and he's allowing it to happen. That's a fact so large that he's not really able to see its magnitude, or how easily he allowed it. Regardless, he sits on the bed and sighs heavily.]

Just so you know how much I shouldn't be talking to you about this - it's about my sex life with your boyfriend. I can walk right back home now. [There's a bit of not terribly pleasant humour in his expression, his tone.]

[All she really wants to do is pull him back into her arms. Seeing him like this hurts her. She doesn't really question why. Her chest aches for him, wanting desperately to make him feel okay. So she sits beside him at the edge, hand reaching out to take his. She gives it a squeeze, eyes searching.]

What about it? Did - did something happen?

Something's - been happening.

[His eyes fix on their hands. Petre made it sound so normal with safe words and code gestures, like something everyone did, but he still has problems accepting that. Petre can be so convincing of anything, and he's fast on his mental feet when he wants things for himself.]

We hurt each other. That's what we do. The first time it happened, we fought so hard I would've killed him if - if he were human. He'd been messing with a friend's head, so I'd said my offer was off the table, but - that worked. It got me started. And since then -

[He feels sick. Physically sick, and just like a sick, sick person.]

- it always ends the same way. Last time I choked him. He kept my hand off enough that it couldn't finish him off, but I saw his face change... [That purple flush, the way his tongue lolled. It makes Cole shudder, and he leaves off there for now.]

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